By: Juhi Bansal
My precious Iy
You are 19.5 months old when I write this and these have been some of the best days of my life. I mostly stayed at home for the first 17.5 months(to the dot!) and loved every second we spent together. From a little baby you have turned into a fireball with a mind of your own! You are fiercely independent (you choose your own clothes and footwear every day, comb your hair, insist on eating and drinking by yourself and don’t like to be carried), perceptive (you know my moods so well, and offer hugs and toys accordingly) & extremely happy (your laughter rings in my ears hours later!). While I would like to believe I had a small part in shaping your personality, I know in my heart I lucked out with you!
There are times when I feel immensely confident and satisfied with your upbringing. And then there are times when I feel a sting at my heart- am I doing enough? Or am I letting you be too much? Shouldn’t I spend some more time with you, after all, you are only what matters.
When I joined back work (full time), I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing. I was as used to spending 24 hours with you as you were with me. The first day when you happily waved at me as I stepped out of the house, my heart sank. I got a little insecure – despite myself. Were you going to forget about me and settle in a “sans-mamma” world? (BTW all my doubts withered the moment I saw you run towards me with your arms outstretched when I came back in the evening).
There are days when you cry bitterly as I am leaving for work and that shakes my resolve. The insecurities sometimes get the better of me and I want to throw it all away at the slightest hint of resentment from you. (K thinks it’s all a figment of my imagination though, that you are too young to feel strong emotions like these- I hope he is right). But, I soldier on because that seems to be the only option. As you oscillate between your moods- my heart moves with it. I wish I knew what is right for you. I wish I knew the secret to motherhood. I wish “I had it all”.
Also, know that your father is as much your “mother” as I am. (Treating your wife as an equal is easier said than done). There has never been a moment when he’s shirked a diaper change or bath time or a 3 AM feeding. He reads to you and puts you to sleep when I am not around, tears up when you get hurt and takes you for your Sunday swim even when he is running a fever.
When I was confused about going back to work, he was my wall. In the last 2 months (and even before), he’s always been around so that I do my best at my day job, my weekend job (CB) and my mommy duties rather than having to choose.
I am no Supermom. I don’t foresee myself becoming the CEO of an MNC and I don’t expect you to join an Ivy League and graduate summa cum laude (or do I- wink wink). Jokes apart, I am someone who’s really trying to keep it all together, balancing too many things, sometimes failing miserably- not unlike scores of mothers around me- all because I think this is the best for you.
Even with the countless doubts and the million apprehensions, I know in my heart that whether I am “staying at home” or working full-time, you are the center of my universe. The choices I am making today could turn out to be the wrong ones tomorrow but I only have your best interests in my mind and boundless love in my heart.
So, love us, quarrel with us, get upset, but remember that your dad and I gave it our all. That should count for something right?
Sharing some behind the scene (unedited), candid moments with you when we travelled last year (and you were an absolute darling!). (I seem to have only these pics of the 3 of us together…..we need another trip soon!)