By: Juhi Bansal
My precious Iy
You are 19.5 months old when I write this and these have been some of the best days of my life. I mostly stayed at home for the first 17.5 months(to the dot!) and loved every second we spent together. From a little baby you have turned into a fireball with a mind of your own! You are fiercely independent (you choose your own clothes and footwear every day, comb your hair, insist on eating and drinking by yourself and don’t like to be carried), perceptive (you know my moods so well, and offer hugs and toys accordingly) & extremely happy (your laughter rings in my ears hours later!). While I would like to believe I had a small part in shaping your personality, I know in my heart I lucked out with you!
There are times when I feel immensely confident and satisfied with your upbringing. And then there are times when I feel a sting at my heart- am I doing enough? Or am I letting you be too much? Shouldn’t I spend some more time with you, after all, you are only what matters.
When I joined back work (full time), I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing. I was as used to spending 24 hours with you as you were with me. The first day when you happily waved at me as I stepped out of the house, my heart sank. I got a little insecure – despite myself. Were you going to forget about me and settle in a “sans-mamma” world? (BTW all my doubts withered the moment I saw you run towards me with your arms outstretched when I came back in the evening).
There are days when you cry bitterly as I am leaving for work and that shakes my resolve. The insecurities sometimes get the better of me and I want to throw it all away at the slightest hint of resentment from you. (K thinks it’s all a figment of my imagination though, that you are too young to feel strong emotions like these- I hope he is right). But, I soldier on because that seems to be the only option. As you oscillate between your moods- my heart moves with it. I wish I knew what is right for you. I wish I knew the secret to motherhood. I wish “I had it all”.
Also, know that your father is as much your “mother” as I am. (Treating your wife as an equal is easier said than done). There has never been a moment when he’s shirked a diaper change or bath time or a 3 AM feeding. He reads to you and puts you to sleep when I am not around, tears up when you get hurt and takes you for your Sunday swim even when he is running a fever.
When I was confused about going back to work, he was my wall. In the last 2 months (and even before), he’s always been around so that I do my best at my day job, my weekend job (CB) and my mommy duties rather than having to choose.
I am no Supermom. I don’t foresee myself becoming the CEO of an MNC and I don’t expect you to join an Ivy League and graduate summa cum laude (or do I- wink wink). Jokes apart, I am someone who’s really trying to keep it all together, balancing too many things, sometimes failing miserably- not unlike scores of mothers around me- all because I think this is the best for you.
Even with the countless doubts and the million apprehensions, I know in my heart that whether I am “staying at home” or working full-time, you are the center of my universe. The choices I am making today could turn out to be the wrong ones tomorrow but I only have your best interests in my mind and boundless love in my heart.
So, love us, quarrel with us, get upset, but remember that your dad and I gave it our all. That should count for something right?
PS: Also read my expectations from you.
Sharing some behind the scene (unedited), candid moments with you when we travelled last year (and you were an absolute darling!). (I seem to have only these pics of the 3 of us together…..we need another trip soon!)
Very beautifully written!!!
Very well written Juhi!!
Thank you Niyati 🙂
Am so glad that you wrote about this !! <3
I hope Iy feels the same about this 🙂
This is beautiful!
Thanks Heli 🙂
Very well written Juhi
Thank you Bua 🙂
yes very well written!!!
Thanks Richa 🙂
Hi how r u kaha hi
very well said di… these arent ur feelings particularly… m sure all working moms feel the same and can easily connect with it…
Thank you Misha. Hope things are manageable at your end?
Love u mom
I generally dont read much, to be honest I dont at all, I just breeze through the headlines real quick and understand what’s in it. But this morning I came across one of the finest written article by you the one which I’m commenting on now 🙂 , it had this fevicol effect on me the moment I started reading. This piece made my day, thank you 🙂 I use to write, but since last few years I dint even know if I exist when it came to my writing. However your article inspires me, I shall write now, if not for anyone for my Son my life.
Thank you again !
Thanks Sunil. It’s very heartening to receive messages like yours. Makes my resolve stronger. Also, it’s not easy to open your heart out on a public forum but acceptance from readers like you makes it much much easier.
i can relate to every bit of it ! loved reading through 🙂
thanks Supriya. I did speak for all mothers 🙂
Felt the article has expressed on behalf of so many mothers. Congrats juhi. knowing Kunal for so many years, not surprised, always passionate and committed to perfection.
Raghunandan Rajamani thanks for your heartening comment
simply WOW !!!!!
🙂 are you back?